Older Isn't Always Better
Sunday, November 13, 2011 TC back again... So soon, you ask? Why yes, because I just had to tell you about the WORST date of my life that I just went on. And not like when they say it's the most dramatic rose ceremony ever...this is for reals. I mean, it ended with me having to text my BFF to come and rescue me at the bar. So here's how the night went; judge for yourself...
I've already told you that I've been busy in other aspects of my life, so dating was taking a back burner. But I have the OkCupid app on my iPhone, so I would still check in now and again if I got an interesting message (i.e. something other than the "Wut up, gurl? You look fun" variety). This one guy seemed harmless enough - his profile was a bit sparse, but he was older (which I thought would be a welcome change), had a thing for hats (love a good fedora on a man), had a nice smile and opened with a corny joke (I like a certain amount of cheese in my guys).
I agreed to have drinks with him and suggested Maude's Liquor Bar. It's a cute little French bistro in the West Loop that my friends have been telling me about, so I thought it was the perfect chance to try it out. I put together a cute, but casual outfit that I thought would be appropriate for "just drinks" and wore my tallest wedges (I was tired of wearing flats on first dates. Figured that if I towered over my date, dude probably shouldn't have lied about his height on his profile).
So the one time that I actually show up early for a date and Corny Boy ended up being nearly an hour late. Granted, he got a flat tire and texted me updates, but still... I had already snagged a hard-to-get seat at the bar, so I thought I'd wait it out. I got a cocktail, chatted up the nice bartender named Martin, texted with my good friend Colleen (this will come in handy later) and caught up on Words With Friends. Corny Boy finally shows up (surprise, surprise - he's shorter than me...5'8" my a**), apologizes profusely and orders a beer.
Now I can pretty much make conversation with almost anyone - call it one of the side effects of working in PR - but this one was ROUGH. Corny Boy barely gave one word answers, asked me questions that didn't give me any room to build on and had this weird tic where we kept touching his teeth with his finger. And rather than engaging me in conversation, he just kept saying how pretty/smart I was. It was semi-flattering the first time, but got weirder as the night wore on (at one point, he asked if there was a PhD for Public Relations. I think he was joking. I think). After the umpteenth awkward pause in the conversation, he asks if I want to go check out some live music, so I'm thinking this might be a nice way to end the date/stop the need for talking. So I ask him where he's thinking, as a nice jazz place or indie hipster dive might be a welcome change. Nope, dude says there's a cover band playing at Uncle Fatty's.
I swear I'm not a huge snob or anything (I love a good dive bar and have started an impromptu game of flip cup at many an establishment that welcomed it with open arms), but Uncle Fatty's is one of those places in Chicago that I've never been interested in going. Sort of like Excalibur, which is this weird gothic castle/club in the middle of tourist central that I've sworn I would never set foot in. I digress, back to Uncle Fatty's, or excuse me, Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort. If the name doesn't give it away, it's basically a college frat beach-themed party (I mean, there's a sand pit and beer girls, for heaven's sakes). At that point, I've already given up on this date, so I suggest that we head outside where I can ditch him to decide.
Since I had already been at the bar for an hour or so more than this kid, I had already consumed three cocktails and he had two beers (Miller High Lifes...it's the Champagne of Beers, y'all). Corny Boy throws a twenty on the bar like he's going to cover it and gets up to put on his jacket. I look down at the twenty and then up at Martin the bartender, who shares a knowing look with me. Again - not a mega bitch - but unless he thought I was drinking multi-colored waters instead of cocktails, $20 wasn't going to cut it. And while I don't expect the guy to pay for everything on a date - considering he asked me out, this was our first date and LEST WE FORGET dude left me hanging alone for an hour and tried to ply me with drinks to apologize, I sorta figured he would cover drinks. Martin the Bartender (bless his heart), who has already been within earshot of this whole awkward scene, says loudly that it's actually going to be [Insert dollar amount here that is def more than twenty dollars]. I look over at Corny Boy who's still putting on his jacket, looking towards the door and has temporarily gone deaf.
Completely over the situation, I handed over my credit card and told Martin to charge the balance. Corny Boy's still putting on his jacket while I managed to get the check, sign it and add tip (seriously, it must be the most complicated North Face fleece in the history of mankind for the amount of time he was taking with it). Only when I put my card back in my purse, does Corny Boy look over and ask what I was doing. Paying for my drinks because you didn't put down enough was my curt response. He apologizes, saying something like he didn't realize and says that he'll make it up to me at Uncle Fatty's. Corny Boy then says that he has to go to the bathroom before we leave. I seriously contemplate just ditching him at this point (something I've never done before, btw), but the area isn't really cab-friendly and I didn't want to run into him outside as I'm trying to hail a getaway cab. I also didn't think I would be able to run around the block in time to evade him in my heels and then how would I get a cab from there?! Told you, I was exploring all the angles on this one. So I just waited.
We walk out and I feign being too tired, saying that I'm just going to get a cab and head home. Corny Boy's chivalry finally kicks in (too little, too late, huh?) and says that he'll drive me home. I probably shouldn't have gotten in the car with him in the first place (don't drink and drive, kidlets!), but there was not a cab in sight and I just wanted the night to be over as quickly as possible. We get into his VW and I tell him directionally where I'm heading and he goes the. other. way. Seriously, I told him to take a left and he took a right. I ask him where he's going since there's not really a lot in this area (read: abandoned buildings, dark of night) and he says that he'll only turn around if I agree to go to Uncle Fatty's with him. He says it in a joking way, but as my life is now flashing in front of my eyes because I TRAPPED myself in a car with him, I said fine and he thankfully made a U-Turn. (Again, I completely realize how stupid of me it was to get in his car. And my sister already chewed me out about it, so that was fun.)
On the way to Uncle Fatty's, Corny Boy turns on my seat warmers (in an attempt to make me more comfortable/show off his new car?), takes my hand to kiss it, all while saying how excited he is for this cover band and for me to show off my dance moves. I don't know which date he thinks he's on, but the one going on in his head is going G-R-E-A-T. Meanwhile, I concentrate on not saying anything to activate the crazy and furiously texting my friend Leen to come save me.
We walk into Uncle Fatty's and oh yeah, it's crawling with 21 year olds in leis and teeny tiny miniskirts (like it's not almost winter). While I wait/pray for Leen to show up, Corny Guy buys me a drink and keeps grabbing at me to dance with him. I finally spot Leen coming towards us, like an angel from the heavens, and we "pretend" to run into each other, like this is typically where we spend our Saturday nights. Dude finally starts to get the hint that this date is going awry (REALLY? This is the first inkling?!?), so I suggest that he text his roommates to come meet him. He makes up an excuse that he doesn't get any reception in the bar and needs to go outside to call. I hope with all my heart and soul that he is finally taking the out to put this date out of it's misery. After he doesn't come back for awhile, I think I'm in the clear so me and Leen decide to just make a night of it and party it up like we're 21 again. And oh boy, did we! Some fresh faced youngin' - lets call him The Suit - not only gives me his business card (too bad I had forgotten mine at home, because who doesn't think to network at Uncle Fatty's?) and tries to convince us that he can get us into Cuvee, some VIP club that we should be "open-minded" about. Um, yeah - nice try, but no more changing locations for this gal.
So, in summation - I was left waiting at the bar for an hour, couldn't carry on a conversation with him to save my life, had to pay for my own drinks after he said that he "got it", almost got kidnapped in his car and was ditched at Uncle Fatty's. So did I make my case for the worst date ever award?! Please someone tell me that you've been on a worser date than me...I would love you forever :)
~T
UPDATE: Corny Boy texted and tried to call me later that night to see if I was still at Uncle Fatty's. Dude...just let it die.
P.S. Amazing girlfriends who will come at a moment's notice to save you from a bad date are National Treasures (thanks Colleen!!).
Rudely talking on your phone during a date? Child's play compared to this doozy
Reader Comments (6)
Wow, that is...an awful date. I understand why you got in the car with him, West Loop is not a cab-friendly area, I'm just glad you're safe! I cannot believe he ditched you at the bar, but really, that might have been the best thing to happen at that point. What a freak.
Thanks pal! In hindsight, the whole Stranger Danger warning should have gone off in my brain instead of getting into his car. But I agreed to go out with this yahoo in the first place, so I'm not the best at making decisions :) And yes, getting ditched at the bar was the highlight of the evening
Teresa showed me his profile. His user name has "booby" in it. Just for context.
Haha - thanks for posting that Robs! His nickname is Bobby, but that's what his nephew called him one time and he thought it would be funny. Either that or it's what girls list as the reason for the restraining order. I forget which one ;)
Wow! That DOES sound like a horrible date!
Question though - when he went to the bathroom, did you consider going to the ladies room yourself to "hide out" from him, making him thing maybe you left? Just wondering - that's probably what I would have done! =)
RAYJ - I like the way you think!! ;) I thought about that, but it was a single bathroom right next to the bar. With my luck, some girl would have started knocking on it, wondering what the hold up was, and the the owners would have had to open it up....right in front of Corny Boy. But now I have a wealth of options, in case I ever need another bad date exit strategy. Thanks :)